Mental Wanderings By Candlelight 

  The ice storm knocked out the power at just before 6am. The day was spent sleeping, snuggled up with my daughter, who turned 6 yesterday, talking, thinking and reading. I also did some needle felting, which I haven’t done in years and finally completed the face on the little snowman that I started so long ago. I poked at my acoustic guitar for a bit, as well and found myself crinkling my nose in disappointment, as I realized that my hard-earned callouses have softened to the point of being disqualified as a “callous”. Something that tangibly emphasizes the impermanence of things if you don’t keep working at it on a regular basis. I often think that my adept ability to let go and move on and love of experiencing new things is as much a hindrance as it is a benefit to me and those of whom are effected by my existence. It makes up a good portion of why people tend to find me enjoyable to be around; as I find something interesting in everything and everyone, so I am legitimately an agreeable person and not just for the sake of being so, but because I am a curious person and want to collect as many relatively sane experiences I can. I have a fascination with how another person’s presence within an experience completely changes everything. I am an analytical person and love knowing how everything ticks, why it tocks. Aside from that, I am a perpetual optimist, polite and appropriately-inappropriate. I’ll hold the door open for you and give you back the money I seen you drop. There’s a few good reasons that most people like me. 

  I have a problem though. There’s a catch to me – I don’t stay. I’m a “reason for a season” for the most part. Somewhere along the way I start crawling back inside myself. See, I’m an extroverted-introvert. The introvert portion on that should be underlined, bolded and italicized a good portion of the time really. I think this is something that ends up being a disappointment with people that know me. They meet me as a balanced extroverted-introvert and then eventually the scales of my personality tip in favor of my introversion. For some reason, though I’m constantly thinking, I suddenly find myself having a hard time spitting anything out. I’m back into my cycle of identifying with the lyrics from Silverchair’s “Across the Night”, from their Diorama album – “I don’t want to be lonely, I just want to be alone.”. I don’t really want to be alone either much. I just very much like to be able to choose when to be around people and when to not *chuckles a bit*. In any case, I tend to feel badly for those around me and for quite some time, find myself throwing a disclaimer, as to what I’m like, at people that seem like they may stick around for a bit. Reason being, the more balanced Extroverted-introvert always comes back. Especially in the more habitable months of the year. I become more introverted when I feel restricted. I suffer from a touch of Seasonal Depression. I found this year crap for it. I’ve been trying to analyze what made this Winter probably the worst and I think it’s largely due to the fact that I feel like the half-slumber I’ve been in the past couple of years, has coming to a close. I’m waking up and there’s shit I want to do. Time, snow and general weather conditions are making things more difficult than they should be though. Some days it feels like I’m trying to run through mud and if I decide to give it up for a bit, then I’ve moved into quicksand that threatens to swallow me whole. Generally, I go through it all silently, as I know full well that it will pass. It always does. One of the benefits of being highly analytical and largely introverted – I know myself really well. I know when certain cycles are coming, my triggers (both good and bad), what I need, what I want, what I want to do with my life. I know it all and it’s a blessing and a curse. The curse side of it being that achieving, getting to enjoy all of these things is the difficult part. Much of it all requires patience and I not a patient person. I’m all about perseverance, which can masquerade as patience often times. I’m also left with this constant feeling of waiting for something. It’s the majority of why I can’t get to sleep as early as I’d like. I tend to try and do things to shut out the feeling, that still keeps me up, though I atleast feel like there was a more valid reason to be up – “Oh I was up late because I was gawking at Facebook, playing my guitar, building a boat, whatevs.”. Then, of course, the next day I chastise myself for whatever activity I was doing that kept me up. Losing battle that one. Bleh. I do get to sleep alot earlier than what I used to, so there’s that atleast. I’ll get it sorted one day…maybe.

  I’ve returned from smoking a cigarello. The street lights are now out. They were on earlier. I was disappointed at the change of illumination more for the fact that I couldn’t see the ice-ladden trees anymore, than for the dissipation of hope that the power would return soon. The trees have been ravaged, but they looked so beautiful in the frozen stillness. This time, in the darkness, off in the distance, I heard the loud crack and falling of a tree. A domino effect of crackling ice, wrought from a gentle breeze, that at first I could not feel, cascaded towards me. It seemed at that moment, before the wind hit me, that it was trees reaction to their fallen brethren.

  I wish my daughter’s cough would go away. It just showed up today and earlier, while she was snuggled on top of on the couch, she went into such a coughing fit that she vomited her left over birthday ice cream cake all over me. Stellar fun that was. She’s been sleeping in her room since before 9. I desperately wanted to look at her sweet face, when I went to check on her a few minutes ago, so I lit up my lighter and surprised us both. I didn’t know that her eyes her open lol.

  12%. That’s enough rambling on, methinks. Back to sleep.

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